the d.ark tape [2013], by derek christoff x the arkeologists

the d.ark tape [2013]

by derek christoff x the arkeologists

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Rori Caffrey Rock-solid rhyming over deep and dusty loops. A solid album. Favorite track: The Reunion Tour.

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1.	One And Only 02:26	lyrics	buy track
One And Only . I kiss my baby girl on the forehead I wanted to say goodbye before bed Goodnight, sweetheart I’ll see you at the crossroads I doubt heaven will be scanning daddy’s barcode For snorting eighty millis by the carload Steering off road Forehead in the car horn Police tape blocking off the right lane of the highway White blanket on my white face Another day, another fool born Another High School cipher in the schoolyard Another rhyme followed by a dope reaction Another white boy thinking he can rap sick Shit A shattered dream by twenty-eight Not enough sugar for the lemonade And not enough money come rent day Another day, another chest pain . But this is what I gotta do, yo You ain’t me So, what the fuck do you know? Nothing The one and only I am . I write for the fallen Rock bottom and broken The frozen Forgotten Hopeless The problems Stoners The dropouts and loaners The guns and the roses The fuck ups and posers Who dove off the plank to the sharks in the ocean And barked up the wrong bark Following their noses Causing a commotion Tough talking And not enough listening to what’s on their shoulders Sleeping on the corner with the mice and the sewer rats In wife beaters Showing off their newest tats Hip-Hop handwritten on their forearms Fake gold chain holding up a gold cross Yet never been to church on a Sunday Daydreamers waiting for their ‘one day’ ‘One day I’m a make it up the ski lift’ But we all know you ain’t gonna be shit
2.	The Reunion Tour 02:16	lyrics	buy track
The Reunion Tour . Get Rolling Stone on the phone And let them know we're getting the band back together Every band member the fans can remember Are jammed in a packed van Clad in black leather Dirty Doc Martens Cigarette burned plaid One gram away from becoming urn ash Inhaling burnt hash through a bottle top Passed out in the Casino-Rama parking lot Smelling like Old Spice and vomit Strumming my old pride and joy, but won't think twice to pawn it Distorted Marshall's bring the gutter to my gold Making every single mother drip butter from her hole I'm a legend to your Mom A God to your Father I was the soundtrack in that old blue Impala Circling the neighborhood for some privacy To reverse cowgirl in the driver's seat And these kids acting like I don't deserve it now Saying I'm over the hill and I'm worthless now Don't tell me that my verses don't run circles 'round These human cannonballs and these circus clowns I'm the king of my home A king on my throne With a rabid Rottweiler at my shins Bring a bone I'm the king of my home A king on my throne And you ain't dog shit So shut up and sing along The reunion tour Ain't nobody going gold or moving units anymore The reunion tour I'm trying to sell my memoir out the Indigo stores The reunion tour I'm a year away from a lifetime achievement award The reunion tour Performing the hits in a half empty casino in Reno
3.	Tito Jackson 02:51	lyrics	buy track
Tito Jackson . I had dreams of killing him And be the villain I’m feeling the evil deep in my deep end Sacrilegious Beat, bash and pillage Dethrone – wreak havoc on the illest, I’m So cold – frozen in a crow’s nest A born loser – scoring in my own net Born again Christian Born again Christoff Trying to break a wishbone Tired of getting pissed on Black hat, black cat, bad luck Can’t rap, can’t dance fat fuck Laughed at by the sports team Handgun hidden in my trench coat seams Sloppy Joe on a lunch plate Dreaming about making ground beef out your fuck face Meet the me you never knew about Never had a clue about One the world can do without . Tito Jackson wasn’t bad like Mike Shit He couldn’t dance like Mike Nobody tried to see him on stage Shit He wasn’t even Jermaine… . Moonwalking on Jupiter Screaming ‘fuck the police’ like Guttenberg Burn out, die you, walk fast Riding shotgun with Suge Knight in a Pac mask Middle fingers – spitting out the sunroof Doorbell ringing with Snoop Dogg One…two… Three…Four…Fuck you…retards Throwing up peace signs in a peace war Singing to the choir Crying like a carwash Living on the edge Dying on the sidewalk A hot kettle with the hot metal What’s gold when you can’t win a bronze medal And what’s the point if the cops get you? A goner playing the harmonica Like the movies I watch With no shoelaces on suicide watch
4.	The Water 02:00	lyrics	buy track
The Water . He skipped a stone on the water Barefoot Both feet cold in the water He felt safe, all alone with the water He took a breath Then spoke to the water Confided in the waves of the water Not a word he was afraid to say to the water He dumped all of his pain in the water And believed his life would be saved by the water He cupped his hands in the water Licked his lips and drank from the water Like nobody was watching, he danced in the water Splashed in the water Swam through the water Looked around Lost in the water Feeling lost, he stopped and sobbed in the water No longer warm in the water Gone was the feeling he was home in the water A foreigner One lightning bolt in the water A hole in the bottom of a boat in the water The clouds were his ceiling The sun was his chandelier But he still felt trapped in the atmosphere Betrayed Tossed in the water Until he saw God in the water Smiled by the water Cried by the water Lived by the water Died by the water
5.	Old Me 02:54	lyrics	buy track
Old Me . Raining on a Sunday Praying in the basement Morrissey and Marr playing on the tape deck Seven AM, wide awake on a stained sheet Losing count on the twenty-eighth sheep I've been awake for the past week Televangelist muted on the flat screen My left nipple bounces off my heart beat Wishing I was Pac and Biggie in a car seat I marinate in the sweat dripping off me False promising my future like a cock tease Living in yesterday like McCartney Looking for a sign Trying to hear God speak But he won't talk back to the desperate That's when tears fall…And the sweat drips And our heads spin…And our hearts break Then we fall apart And they wonder why we... . Get high .Eat pills Smoke weed .Sniff snowflakes till we OD Spray hot H in a ripe vein Drink till we black out on the highway I'm sick of being lonely I want to be a new man, but can't leave the old me So sick of being lonely I want to be a new man, but can't leave the old me . Sitting on a park bench Staring at a swing set Wishing I could swing against the wind A shovel and a pail, in shorts and a tank top Building a castle The king of the sandbox Toenails dirty, sand in my sandals Mud on my feet disappear in the bathtub Warm pajamas Slippers on my wet feet Bedtime stories Tucked in my bed sheets Dreaming I could fly through the air Up, up and away Staring down at your haircuts Then land on a rooftop And kick my running shoes off Sprint barefoot till I spring off The edge I live on Wake up in hell…Hot Then the sweat drips…My heart breaks Then I fall apart And they wonder why we...
6.	Newark 03:03	lyrics	buy track
Newark . I wrote for the girls in the first row But the boys in the back felt the words more They related to the rhymes more A white boy like them And girls don’t like Sizemores Unless you’re high together But they come down, and I stay high forever So… Pass me the mic and an eighty mg And twenty in a dark room rocking Shady Limited That’s all I know Wong and Owens Murder is all I wrote Every record I release is eons beyond That horse shit you’re peddling on CDRs And Levon wears his war wound like a crown And Superman never made any money It only makes sense I name my kid Jesus I’m a God to you crash test dummies Come on… . I want to live the American dream Driving to Jersey in a Caravan seat Passport stamped in Green A Canadian living the American dream . From sunrise to sunset Not a single phone call from one exec Then a booking agent made the past seem small Said in three years we’ll have you rocking Massey Hall Three years later my agency dropped Me when I was climbing up a mainstream chart Pocketing a hundred for a show spitting sixteens I made a hundred for a show when I was sixteen Seven incredible, slept on records made Me a Larry Bird year old with a demo tape On internet interviews acting pissy Said that I was quitting, thinking nobody would miss me Then fan-boys got their feelings hurt So they tried to hurt mine in return in the Twitter-verse And YouTube comments The bums couldn’t spit a verse That could knot the shoelaces of my written words Heartbreak hotel…No vacancy Stupid…All because I make music All because I make music that influences Music that makes kids want to tattoo their skin Music too smart for losers Nobody’s done it like I do it…Newark New Jersey…Springsteen strumming I’m a God to you crash test dummies Come on…
7.	Copycat 02:39	lyrics	buy track
Copycat . Smoking in the boys room Norman on the drums Derek with the pencil Holding loaded guns Pointed at their temples – Nikolai Volkoff Click.Trigger.Click till they blow their domes off Blood splattered on the rug pattern Shot Family wondering… ‘What the fuck happened?’ Shocked Two baby mamas on the closed casket Trying to open it, hoping it’s a hoax Nope Gone forever Sleeping under potted plants A lost legacy Tupac hologram Heartbroken…Suicidal copycats Listening to laundry room Turning on their faucet taps Fully clothed in a boiling hot water bath Mama’s home Drops all of her shopping bags Read the note – X and O – and an autograph Yelling at God, but the lord ain’t talking back . Your mama’s gonna cry tonight You live for today, but ‘gon die tonight, homey [x2] Nine in the morning…Your mama mourning [x2] Your mama’s gonna cry tonight You live for today, but ‘gon die tonight, homey . When I say I’m Jesus, I mean it And I mean it from the bottom of my heartbeat, Steven Wonder What if God was one of us? A tyrant with a gun Violent, on a drug On the run from a nightmare behind him Hiding in silence Sleeping under light Terrified of what the light brings Trying to find the light switch Feeling up the drywall Turns the light on, but nobody changed the light bulb Hanging blindfolded from a tightrope Loaded nine holding to his eyeball We all want our own island and a fruit tree And umbrella drink and a cool breeze But we sip piss in the heat eating rotten apple pie Wasting away…Band aid’ing the pain Yelling at God, but the lord ain’t talking back Zipper up the body bag…Suicidal copycat
8.	Mr. Knoblich 01:49	lyrics	buy track
Mr. Knoblich . She heard a knock.knock.knock on the front door Open up She said ‘What the fuck for?’ Cuz I’m home from the corner store, my darling With a brand new portrait I poured my heart in With a new tuxedo and a bowler on me And brand new shoes for us both to walk in Clean shaven No whiskers on me Don’t tell me you don’t miss the ostrich Turn off that Marianas Trench I’m Tom Ford to that trash bag stench You ain’t never seen class like this You ain’t never seen a man dance like this And you ain’t never seen a man dance In a black tuxedo and a hat in a mask like this Charlie Chaplin The Phantom of the Opera Ivory tickling behind the candelabra You Matt Damons get a facelift Then you can all look like Knoblich But you can never be me Never me Never will you ever be Forever dream Born on Northcliffe South of Eglinton Singing in the rain Watch my umbrella spin Under the spotlight Swan steps Sir Orville Mr. Knoblich Knock.knock.knocking on the front door Open up She said ‘What the fuck for?’ Cuz I’m home from the corner store, my darling With a brand new portrait I poured my heart in With a new tuxedo and a bowler on me And brand new shoes for us both to walk in Clean shaven No whiskers on me Don’t tell me you don’t miss the ostrich
9.	Minor Key 02:24	lyrics	buy track
Minor Key . I march to the beat of my own drum And speak from the heart to the minor key Mom and Dad to the left and the right of me Watching over the life they provided me I walked alone in a mask – disguising me While the world listened to what’s inside of me And since the world wasn’t familiar with what I recited They aimed both barrels, criticizing me While I kept on writing to the minor key Took the mask off and showed a different side of me Tired of posing – I showed them a whiter me I decided to I should stop dressing like a teen Threw the Ecko in the trash and bought tighter jeans And said goodnight to the man I was trying to be I kept releasing records at lightning speed Afraid of death – I kept writing to the minor key Laughed when your favorite rappers started biting me Told myself my time will come when time agrees One hit away from a major signing me So I kept on writing to the minor key My records started making noise Concepts adored When delivered through a different set of whiter teeth I couldn’t understand for the life of me Why I became a punching bag in a fighter’s ring Maybe they smell I’m not a fighter and try to swing Pick a fight ‘cuz they’d rather see a lighter me Or take swipes ‘cuz I look nothing like the Bieb Or maybe I’m the writer they’d die to be Everyone’s a tough guy when behind a screen Meanwhile, in real life, they’re nothing but vagina queefs Backseat drivers afraid to take the driver’s seat Who hate their lives and inside scream silently Dishing out insults trying to silence me It’ll take more than words to quiet me And I’m prepared to spend my life in the minor league And stay awake all night ‘cuz I’m tired of sleep And bleed all night to the minor key All because yesterday wasn’t kind to me While I march to the beat of my own drum And speak from the heart to the minor key
10.	Get To Know Me 02:18	lyrics	buy track
Get To Know Me . Yesterday is mine forever I try to forget her, but she never leaves I try to reconsider, but she never bleeds I try to forgive her, but she never sees Me at seventeen in a hospital room Beside my mama on a hospital bed Holding my mama’s hand Telling me she’ll be coming home soon I hand her a walkman and cassette Happy mother’s day I press play on the Sony Yellow She smiles when she hears the stock sound Drum and cello melody I played myself “Is this you?” she says so … loud Talking over the volume of the headphones I nod yes - Her face goes tomato Both eyes closed for the song I wrote I start crying when my mom’s eyes open She wipes my tears with her thumb, and said… “Derek, you’re a good boy.” I still see it like it’s yesterday - And yesterday is mine forever I try to forget her, but she never leaves I try to forgiver he, but she never sees Me at twenty-five in the visiting room Of a rehab center, listening to My dad tell me he’s a prisoner, Living with imbeciles And I’m the reason he’s living between these prison walls Lost his peripheral vision from the seizures Minor brain damage, Therefore he needed rehab to learn to adjust to it Spent our time yelling at me for what booze did Naah…for what you did! The nine o’clock alarm meant home time Then we’d stand up and hug till nine o’five Same time tomorrow night, same conversation Dad waved while I waited for the elevator I still see it like it’s yesterday - And yesterday is mine forever I try to forget her, but she never leaves I try to forgive her, but she never sees… Me.

about

In 2007, I walked into a basement that would change my art forever. I realize that sentence is super dramatic, and equally as rape-y, but it’s the only way I can describe it. It was dark. Small. Low ceilings. Filled with cigarette smoke. I sat down on the couch, while Norman Krates [The Arkeologists] prepped his MPC2000 for our first session.

I ate a submarine sandwich. He rolled a joint. I swallowed a Percocet. He chopped up a sample. And I began writing what would become Kneecaps. A song, along with Laundry Room, that would make critics and music listeners look past the court jester of an artist I once was. A song that would literally change my life.

In 2013, I returned to the same basement to conduct an interview with Norman for a special 5 year anniversary release of my debut record, The B.O.O.K. While listening to him reminisce, I began having flashbacks of those sessions. I felt like 2007 again. A few days later I went back to hang out. Hanging out would result in Norm playing me beats. Which would result in me writing The Reunion Tour. We sat and listened to that song for an hour straight. It was 2007 again. We decided to keep going till we hit ten songs. All raw. All songs recorded on a $200 8-track in one day. All first takes. Embrace the imperfections. No promotion. Keep it basement.

The D.Ark Tape.

credits

released June 24, 2013

all music produced by: The Arkeologists
all lyrics written by: Derek Christoff
recorded in Norm's Basement. Toronto, Ontario. 06|17|2013
artwork by: Brett Lindzen [ www.knapsackwax.com ]

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